Friday, June 11, 2010

stuck at 188

I have seriously lost my mojo! I have been stuck at 188 for like a month now and I haven't felt great about blogging about it so no blogging no wieght lost just loss of energy and pep! I think a lot fo it has to do with me not feeling so great about work these days. I have been feeling really stressed at my job- a lot due to being really short staffed and constantly feeling like I am doing a terrible jb taking care of my patients. IAlso though it's been not great for awhile and the continued not-greatness has put me into this funk of realizing that it will prbably be not great for a long time to come. We'e at the point now where thery are going to strat requiring mandatoray overtime and on-call in addition to our regularly scheduled hours. I'm so not up for that and I have been working a lot of extra shifts already so it is just so frustrating to me that despite all of my extra hard work we are all getting the shaft b/c the hosital is too damn cheap to hire a traveller- apparently it is more cost effective to drive your staff nurses into the ground with too much work. It also doesn't help that we are suffering the curse of the night shift where basically you just feel neglected. I haven't seen the manager in months b/c she is never here during night sihft hours- the perks of being a mananger I guess. I have my annual review next week and I am really wondering how she is planning on reviewing me when she hasn't even spoken to me in 2 months and that was at a staff meeting, not when I was working. I must find someway to shed the crankiness.

Anyway so there is that at work and then we had Xander's birthday party and then we went to my 10 yr college reunion and the list goes on...I just feel like life is so busy and hectic that anytime I have to "myself" must be spent cleaning and cooking and doing laundry and I can't seem to find enough hours in the day to do all that and exercise and sleep and maybe have soem time in my sewing room. It is all a trade off and unfortunetly the part that has been losing out is the exercise. I keep choosing to sleep instead! I ahve been doing ok with eating wekk which is why I haven't gained weight but I would like to keep it coming off. 2 more lbs and I'll be at 20 lost- which is seriously pathetic considering it has taken me 6 months to lose 18 lbs but slow and steady and manageable wins the race right!?!

So here's my plan - Frank has a job inteview on Tues and fingers crossed he gets it..then we can afford (or I will cram into the budget) a way to have someone come and clean my house 2x a month so that the constant pig sty in which I live (and causes me a ton of frustartion) will ease, plsu the kids will be back in daycare and not at home with daddy who as much as I love him is THE WORST housekeeper EVER. He complains about me (and I'm not great) but he is awful and Xander is capable of destrying the house in 2 seconds flat, especially when you don't pay attention to what he is doing. Plus if Frank is working we will be forced to get on a better and more consistent schedule- which is a constant struglle with me working night shift- but that isn't going to change anytime soon so we will have to live with it. Plus baseball is almost over which will free Frank up some more to actually get some stuff done around the house. I've got my calendar and my cookbooks and tonight I am planning a menu for the next month so that I domy shopping and have a plan so that we have nice, healthy food stocking our fridge! and no more crappy meals b/c I'm to tired to cook or come up with a meal plan, everything will eb there and ready to go!

I just had yearly lab work done and my cholesterol is high- only a tiny bit but high cholesterol is something that runs in the family so I need to get a handle on that now. In great news though my triglycerides are half what they were last year(they were out of control high)! but my chol is up a bit from then so another trade off but I think I made much better strides in getting my triglycerides down then I lost in my chol being up a bit. So keep working on being healthy and maybe by next year all my numbers will be normal! Healthy summer here we come!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Avoidance

So I have honestly just not felt like posting or doing much of anything else recently. I was feeling fat and ugly and just blah blah blah so I avoided the scale the last couple weeks. Well finally this wednesday I made myself get on it and to my immense suprise had actually lost weight- in fact I lost almost 5 whole pounds. I am PRE-JAMES! I have lost 20 lbs since I started this weight loss challenge back in December- holy cow! I seriously needed this boost to my self esteem. it's always amazing to me how those boosts come when you really need them.

I have been good food wise- really it is the working out that I need to get back on track with b/c that is what is really going to burn away this extra fat. So more physical activity is in my future- really it is...I've got a crazy work week coming up (5 12 hour shifts in a row- yikes then 2 conference days) so I am not going to worry about it so much this week just spend plenty of time playing outside with the boys but once we make it through this week it's back to the Wii Fit 30 day challenge!

Friday, March 19, 2010

0.6

Well I did gain some weigth this week but given how horrible I have been that number could have been a lot higher. I went to exercise class on tues and it felt good so I am working the next couple of days and honestly at this point I need sleep more than exercise but sun I have plans to go to the gym with my sil and sat I should be able to work out at home before we head over to my mom's. Mon the plan is to work out at home and then tues back to the YMCA for class. thus is the plan...

Thursday, March 11, 2010

goals

So I achieved my first goal to lose 10 lbs- slightly bummed that it took me 2 months to do it but I made it. Only 18 lbs o go and I will only be overweight and not obese. The Wii told me the other day that my ideal weight is 126 (for a BMi of 22)- ha that will never in a million years actually happen. even when i was starving in Africa I only weight 145. I will be happy with maintaining 150 for awhile but first I must make it to 186. small steps..

haven't been so good about working out recently- Xander sat on my knee and bruised the hell out of it- he got it just right. Plus the kids and I were both sick as dogs last week so that is a real shot in the motivation wagon. Went on a long walk with some friends sat and am hoping with the nice weather that i can get a few more walks in. Sat is the big IKEA shopping trip so in all honesty that is a workout in and of itself!

How is it possible to be sleep deprived and have insomnia at the same time. it seems like a cruel joke somedays! I'm feeling better emotionally though these days. Frank and I had a long talk last week and I took a couple days off work to take care of the kids and myself and I do feel recharged. james has been sleeping better at night and I also think that extra sleep works wonders. Plus I got my hous cleaned up and that is a real boost to my mental state. I am hoping this up mood continues for awhile but I also feel like I go in patterns of feeling pretty good and then I wake up one morning feeling like crap. We've decided to send the kids to daycare and extra half day every week so that I have some time to get things done- run errands, clean, etc so I am hoping that will alleviate some of the simple stresses that just seemed to be adding up and weighing me down.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

why...

I actually managed to get up and work out this morning- go me! I am seriously exhausted now though since I have been up since 5am and I only got like 4 hours of sleep. I really hate insomnia- plus having a 5 month old that likes to eat every 4 hours or so. My head hurts. I am frustarted though b/c even though I have worked out like 5/6 last days I gained almost 2 lbs- what the heck? I know I need to pay more attention to what I am eating but geez! I fogot to brong my food diary with me today but I am keeping track anyway. I really trying to get into the habit of writing down all my intake but I am having a hard time with that. Since today is the begining of Lent it is a good excuse to be more careful about watching what I am eating.

So 170cal burned this morning with 25 minutes on the Wii Active.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

goal progress

So I feel off the train work out wise last week... but at thursday I got back on and worked out thurs, fri, sat, sun and mon. Didn't work out today though- I was supposed to go to the YMCA and work out and then take Xander to swim class but it snowed like a foot, the chick arrived this morning, and I had to be at work at 12:30 which was pushing the time line without the snow so I didn't end up going. I was going to work out after I got home from work (I ended up walking up the driveway which is a work out just not the kind I planned) but Frank and I took advantage of my mom being here to go out to dinner- our own private mardi gras. I am hoping to work out tomorrow but am not sure if that will happen or not- I have to work from 8-5 and then Ash wed mass is at 7 so... the plan is to get up early enough to wash the bottles, make dinner in the crockpot, work out, shower and get to work on time....ugh!

My goal for Lent..start keeping track of what I am eating so that I can boost my weight loss by not being such a pig!

hate

Ther are days when I really hate myself, when I hate the crazy bitch that I have become, when I hate the fact that I can never seem to get it all done and when I hate the fact that I take my hate and frustration with myself out on other people, namely DH. I hate the fact that my crazy messy house turns me into a raving lunatic and that i can't afford to paty someone to come and clean it for. I want to want to stay home with my kids and yet at the same time the idea of being alone with just the kids all the time sounds liek ti would send my right over the edge and yet I hate the pressure and the extra time that my job sucks out of my life. I want to feel like I can do it all and I hate this sucking desperate feeling that I will enever get it all done and I will be living in this cluttered craziness for ever and that my raving lunatic days won't come to an end. I hate having the same fight with husband over and over again and I hate the fact that he just doesn't seem to get me sometimes; I hate feeling like he thinks I am a raving lunatic or that I am being a self-righteous bitch when in my head all I am asking for a is a little help or a little initiative, I hate the fact that he can't see that the diaper pail is full and take the initiative himself to wash the diapers. I hate the fact that he can't see that I don't have any bottles left to pump into and why the hell do I have to wash all the bottles when I never freaking use them. And why is it that even when I specifically ask him to do something and he doeans't do it he can still make me feel like a freaking raving maniac when I bitch at him about not doing it. How come he gets plenty of time to play Madden and then when I complain that I don't get time to do my stuff he throws in my face the 30 minutes- ok well it was more like 45- that I get to spend with my choice of activity- mind you this was while I was watching the kids and no body got baths or dinner on time b/c I worked on my sewing instead! 45 min in a whole week- how is that fair? Apparently I am being unfair to him but I FEEL that in reagrds to stuff around the house I do the Lion's share and he doean't do much! I can't stand the clutter that we live in and yet I can't seem to make a dent in it. Most of all right now I think I just plain old hate myself and honestly I don't know why. I feel like a crazy moody bitchy person and I don't know who that person is...i hate the feeling of being a bitcha nd knowing I am being a bitch but mot being able to help myself. I hate feeling alone, like no one understands my feeling and like DH doesn't even care to understand. I hate having freaking insomnia. I swera part of my problem is that I am so god damn tired Ican't even see staright but 1/2 the time I can freaking go to sleep either b/c my mind is buzzing with all this uselss crap- like right now. I hate my god damn freaking car and the fact that even with stupid studded snow tires I still can't make it up the god damn driveway when it snows and I hate that not being able to make it up the driveway turns me into a raving lunatic and I hate the fact that I can't afford a god damn new car! and I hate the fact that writing this didn't really make me feel any better...

Friday, February 12, 2010

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I feel like I have been sucked into a pit the last few weeks and while there is light at the end of the tunnel I'm still drowning. I know it is just exhaustion and sleep-deprivation from dealing with 2 sick kids and a sick husband but all my energy is gone... and I just keep hoping that one day I will wake up and feel like I can actually tackle the day ahead. I feel so guilty just laying on the couch while the boys get going on their day but I can't seem to pull myself up. It isn't really a bad thing that we spend every day in our pjs but somedays I wish I actually had the energy to get us all dressed. I know we all go through these boughts of depression and its normal and now that the boys are feeling better hopefully I will get more sleep and then feel more energetic but somehow it is so exhausting to feel so tired all the time.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

workout woes

So I was doing so well with working out at least 4 times a week and recently- holy cow I have been terrible! I keep choosing sleep over working out but the really sad part about it is that I want to work out...I feel better on the days that I do work out but I can't seem to drag my bum out of bed to make it happen! Or like today I fully had ever intention of working out and then I totally slept through my alarm (ear plugs and my alarm apparently don't work well together...) so I was completely late to work! So I don't have to work again until next wed- well I don't have to work a full shift again till next wed so.... I'm planning on getting back into the work out groove. I did make it to the YMCA this week for Group Power so I will go again next week. Sat we are going to ice skating with my nieces and nephews so that is a least a plan for some non "working out" working out if you know what I mean. It is going to be a busy, busy few days but I think I can manage to squeeze into some working out- we'll call it my quality time to take care of myself.

Mel gave me the WW point booklet so my next goal is to work on writing down what I am eating. I bought the journal so that was step one, now I actually have to remember to write in it!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

sleep

I have sleep on the brain these days- mostly b/c I am not getting enough of it! monday and tuesday were really awful and then wed- OMG!!! James and Xander both slept through the night and I woke up on my own before my alarm. I had a momentary panic attack that something had happen and went flying into the living room (where James was asleep in the swing...) but everyone was still breathing so I went back and laid down some more. I felt like a totally new woman Thursday..now of course I am exhausted again but hey one day of a non sleep-deprived me was enough for now! It is truly amazing to me how much difference an uninterrupted night of sleep can make in your life.

My friend and I were talking about this the other day and we came to the consesnus that no matter how people try to describe to you how sleep deprivation truly feels- you just don't get it until you are living it! The sad part is that James ia already better than he was when he was a newborna nd yet I almost feel more tired now. I guess the difference is that now I have to work and I can't just nap whenever- although with both boys that doesn't always work out in my favor and yet the days that i am truly exhausted and feel like I am not going to survive without a nap are usually the days that they both sleep at the same time- they must know.... beware mommy is on the edge we both have to nap at the same time to dya or we're all going to pay.... I wonder if they can actaully talk to each other.

So I finally broke the 200 lb mark- now lets hope I can keep it that way. I finished my 30 day challenge on the Wii Active and have fallen off the bandwagon a bit. I hadn't missed a day on the Fit in a montha nd I have missed 2 this week. Plus I have only worked out like 2x this week. I really meant to yesterday but again with the tired.... I'm going to go home and crawl right into bed today- no sending kids and husbands off to daycare and work so that means I should hopefully egt at least an hour extra of sleep and I don't have to leave the house a 1/2 hour early so... that should hopefully give me enough time to work out. I'm planning on starting a new 30 day challenge so hopefully that will keep me motivated. 7 lbs down, 48 to go... of course really my goal is just to lose the 10 lbs I set my goal for on the Wii Fit- I think I have another month or so to make that happen. I CAN DO IT! maybe when I am not so tired...

Monday, January 18, 2010

gaining weight

grrrr- I was doing so well, I had lost 6 whole lbs and now all of a sudden for no apparent reason I gained 2 of them back. You know if I had fallen off the bandwagon or eated horribly I could understand but for no apparent reason- it just irks me.

But today I finished my 30 day challenge onthe Wii, tomorrow I am off to Group Power at the Y, and Wed I will start an new 30 day challenge at the niext intensity level so we'll see if I can blast away some of this fat!

I just need to go and buy a cute notebook that will encourage me to write down what I am eating and a gril from work is going to tell em how many points a day I should be consuming so I can keep track.

trying not to be discouraged....but I am having terrible insomnia recently (an unfortunate side effect or wrking night shift, plus I am naturally a night owl) and my energy level is seriously in the toilet. I am going to make it through though and not let this slump ruin my newly formed exercise habit!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

the 200 lbs mark

Try as I might I can't seem to break past the 200 lb mark. Today I was so darned close- the Wii says I weigh under 200 but my trusty ole scale said 200.0 exactly. Booger- it will come... I am so proud of myself for having lost 6 lbs already though. Now I just have to keep going. I have the working out at home going pretty well- I'm doing something almost every day. Now I need to focus more on the eating! I do well for a day or 2 and then I eat like cr*p. I need to find myself some sort of nice little notebook so I can write down everything that I eat so I can start having some accountability but... it is so hard sometimes to think that way. I'm hungry I eat... I must learn to make better food choices. I've been doing well with drinking a lot less soda but I crave it like you wouldn't believe. and I may be drinking less soda but I end up dinking more tea/coffee/hot cocoa to make up for it! So goals for the next few weeks are to keep up with the working out and to drink more water and eat more veggies. Someone told me the other day that it takes 3 months to learn new habits so I guess I have a ways to go!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Group Power!

So Tuesday I ventured to the YMCA for my first outing to an organized exercise class and it was actually a lot of fun..well as fun as working out can be I guess. Let's just say i felt pretty good at the end of the class- like I had really accomplished something. I failed miserably at the ab section - apparently 2 kids in 2 years has totally destroyed my abdominal muscles but I was able to complete almost every single other exercise and was pretty hyped up by the end of the class. then i went to pick Alexander up for his swim class- whoooo that was exhausting. I'm not sure who was more tired by the end of it me or him? We had lunch with Frank and then all came hoe and crashed!

Yesterday I worked out with the Wii Active and then today i took a rest day b/c I was so tired I just decided I needed the xtra hour of sleep! Tomorrow I will work out with the wii active again and then i need to look at the schedule for the YMCA next week b/c I can't make it to Group power tues morning b/c I have to work then... I'd like to try to make it to a different class though.

Back to work!

Friday, January 1, 2010

The List!

I feel like this is such a cliche but at the same time making a list of New years Resolutions is somehow cathartic. It gives me a chance to reflect over what has been going well in my life the past year and what I would like to change or improve. For better or worse (and here's hoping I can make it past the apparent 6 month average on most of these things...)

1. Be more active- and no chasing the kids around doesn't count! Workout/get out/do something physically strenuous 5 days a week. Make fitness a part of my life-for my sake and my children.
2. Eat more veggies.
3. Drink more water.
4. Drink less soda (as I sit here drinking a Coke zero...)
5. Take some time for me- realize that having time for myself will allow me to recharge and be a better mom in the long haul.
6. Take a shower by myself every day and if the kids start crying the minute the water goes on, then they will have to cry until I am done.
7. Learn how to make a Waldorf doll
8. Before going shopping make a list and then only buy what is on that list
9. Plan a menu and stick to it- eat out only when it is in the plan and the budget
10. Don't buy any more fabric until July 1st (unless I need it to make the above mentioned Waldorf Doll or a specific useful purposeful project.... not just because I like it)
11. Organize my sewing room
12. Make something with all the fabric that I already have and finish everything in the "unfinished project" box
13. Fix all the diapers that need fixing before James needs to be wearing them.
14. Clean my house top to bottom at least once a month
15. Try to convince Frank that cleaning should be somewhat of a priority in our lives
16. Plant a garden, mulch it, weed it, harvest it and then preserve that harvest
17. Somehow make sure that this years chicken survive! and ducks too...
18. Last but not least make some time for me and Frank just the two of use- in the bedroom and out.

Well I guess that is enough for now- I think I hit on all the big points. I am hoping that now both boys are going to bed about the same time and James is starting to sleep through the night more and more that I will have the time and energy to get some things done after they go to bed and therfore be able to focus on them while they are awake. That's the plan anyway.