hate

Ther are days when I really hate myself, when I hate the crazy bitch that I have become, when I hate the fact that I can never seem to get it all done and when I hate the fact that I take my hate and frustration with myself out on other people, namely DH. I hate the fact that my crazy messy house turns me into a raving lunatic and that i can't afford to paty someone to come and clean it for. I want to want to stay home with my kids and yet at the same time the idea of being alone with just the kids all the time sounds liek ti would send my right over the edge and yet I hate the pressure and the extra time that my job sucks out of my life. I want to feel like I can do it all and I hate this sucking desperate feeling that I will enever get it all done and I will be living in this cluttered craziness for ever and that my raving lunatic days won't come to an end. I hate having the same fight with husband over and over again and I hate the fact that he just doesn't seem to get me sometimes; I hate feeling like he thinks I am a raving lunatic or that I am being a self-righteous bitch when in my head all I am asking for a is a little help or a little initiative, I hate the fact that he can't see that the diaper pail is full and take the initiative himself to wash the diapers. I hate the fact that he can't see that I don't have any bottles left to pump into and why the hell do I have to wash all the bottles when I never freaking use them. And why is it that even when I specifically ask him to do something and he doeans't do it he can still make me feel like a freaking raving maniac when I bitch at him about not doing it. How come he gets plenty of time to play Madden and then when I complain that I don't get time to do my stuff he throws in my face the 30 minutes- ok well it was more like 45- that I get to spend with my choice of activity- mind you this was while I was watching the kids and no body got baths or dinner on time b/c I worked on my sewing instead! 45 min in a whole week- how is that fair? Apparently I am being unfair to him but I FEEL that in reagrds to stuff around the house I do the Lion's share and he doean't do much! I can't stand the clutter that we live in and yet I can't seem to make a dent in it. Most of all right now I think I just plain old hate myself and honestly I don't know why. I feel like a crazy moody bitchy person and I don't know who that person is...i hate the feeling of being a bitcha nd knowing I am being a bitch but mot being able to help myself. I hate feeling alone, like no one understands my feeling and like DH doesn't even care to understand. I hate having freaking insomnia. I swera part of my problem is that I am so god damn tired Ican't even see staright but 1/2 the time I can freaking go to sleep either b/c my mind is buzzing with all this uselss crap- like right now. I hate my god damn freaking car and the fact that even with stupid studded snow tires I still can't make it up the god damn driveway when it snows and I hate that not being able to make it up the driveway turns me into a raving lunatic and I hate the fact that I can't afford a god damn new car! and I hate the fact that writing this didn't really make me feel any better...