Avoidance

So I have honestly just not felt like posting or doing much of anything else recently. I was feeling fat and ugly and just blah blah blah so I avoided the scale the last couple weeks. Well finally this wednesday I made myself get on it and to my immense suprise had actually lost weight- in fact I lost almost 5 whole pounds. I am PRE-JAMES! I have lost 20 lbs since I started this weight loss challenge back in December- holy cow! I seriously needed this boost to my self esteem. it's always amazing to me how those boosts come when you really need them.

I have been good food wise- really it is the working out that I need to get back on track with b/c that is what is really going to burn away this extra fat. So more physical activity is in my future- really it is...I've got a crazy work week coming up (5 12 hour shifts in a row- yikes then 2 conference days) so I am not going to worry about it so much this week just spend plenty of time playing outside with the boys but once we make it through this week it's back to the Wii Fit 30 day challenge!

0.6

Well I did gain some weigth this week but given how horrible I have been that number could have been a lot higher. I went to exercise class on tues and it felt good so I am working the next couple of days and honestly at this point I need sleep more than exercise but sun I have plans to go to the gym with my sil and sat I should be able to work out at home before we head over to my mom's. Mon the plan is to work out at home and then tues back to the YMCA for class. thus is the plan...

goals

So I achieved my first goal to lose 10 lbs- slightly bummed that it took me 2 months to do it but I made it. Only 18 lbs o go and I will only be overweight and not obese. The Wii told me the other day that my ideal weight is 126 (for a BMi of 22)- ha that will never in a million years actually happen. even when i was starving in Africa I only weight 145. I will be happy with maintaining 150 for awhile but first I must make it to 186. small steps..

haven't been so good about working out recently- Xander sat on my knee and bruised the hell out of it- he got it just right. Plus the kids and I were both sick as dogs last week so that is a real shot in the motivation wagon. Went on a long walk with some friends sat and am hoping with the nice weather that i can get a few more walks in. Sat is the big IKEA shopping trip so in all honesty that is a workout in and of itself!

How is it possible to be sleep deprived and have insomnia at the same time. it seems like a cruel joke somedays! I'm feeling better emotionally though these days. Frank and I had a long talk last week and I took a couple days off work to take care of the kids and myself and I do feel recharged. james has been sleeping better at night and I also think that extra sleep works wonders. Plus I got my hous cleaned up and that is a real boost to my mental state. I am hoping this up mood continues for awhile but I also feel like I go in patterns of feeling pretty good and then I wake up one morning feeling like crap. We've decided to send the kids to daycare and extra half day every week so that I have some time to get things done- run errands, clean, etc so I am hoping that will alleviate some of the simple stresses that just seemed to be adding up and weighing me down.

why...

I actually managed to get up and work out this morning- go me! I am seriously exhausted now though since I have been up since 5am and I only got like 4 hours of sleep. I really hate insomnia- plus having a 5 month old that likes to eat every 4 hours or so. My head hurts. I am frustarted though b/c even though I have worked out like 5/6 last days I gained almost 2 lbs- what the heck? I know I need to pay more attention to what I am eating but geez! I fogot to brong my food diary with me today but I am keeping track anyway. I really trying to get into the habit of writing down all my intake but I am having a hard time with that. Since today is the begining of Lent it is a good excuse to be more careful about watching what I am eating.

So 170cal burned this morning with 25 minutes on the Wii Active.

goal progress

So I feel off the train work out wise last week... but at thursday I got back on and worked out thurs, fri, sat, sun and mon. Didn't work out today though- I was supposed to go to the YMCA and work out and then take Xander to swim class but it snowed like a foot, the chick arrived this morning, and I had to be at work at 12:30 which was pushing the time line without the snow so I didn't end up going. I was going to work out after I got home from work (I ended up walking up the driveway which is a work out just not the kind I planned) but Frank and I took advantage of my mom being here to go out to dinner- our own private mardi gras. I am hoping to work out tomorrow but am not sure if that will happen or not- I have to work from 8-5 and then Ash wed mass is at 7 so... the plan is to get up early enough to wash the bottles, make dinner in the crockpot, work out, shower and get to work on time....ugh!

My goal for Lent..start keeping track of what I am eating so that I can boost my weight loss by not being such a pig!

hate

Ther are days when I really hate myself, when I hate the crazy bitch that I have become, when I hate the fact that I can never seem to get it all done and when I hate the fact that I take my hate and frustration with myself out on other people, namely DH. I hate the fact that my crazy messy house turns me into a raving lunatic and that i can't afford to paty someone to come and clean it for. I want to want to stay home with my kids and yet at the same time the idea of being alone with just the kids all the time sounds liek ti would send my right over the edge and yet I hate the pressure and the extra time that my job sucks out of my life. I want to feel like I can do it all and I hate this sucking desperate feeling that I will enever get it all done and I will be living in this cluttered craziness for ever and that my raving lunatic days won't come to an end. I hate having the same fight with husband over and over again and I hate the fact that he just doesn't seem to get me sometimes; I hate feeling like he thinks I am a raving lunatic or that I am being a self-righteous bitch when in my head all I am asking for a is a little help or a little initiative, I hate the fact that he can't see that the diaper pail is full and take the initiative himself to wash the diapers. I hate the fact that he can't see that I don't have any bottles left to pump into and why the hell do I have to wash all the bottles when I never freaking use them. And why is it that even when I specifically ask him to do something and he doeans't do it he can still make me feel like a freaking raving maniac when I bitch at him about not doing it. How come he gets plenty of time to play Madden and then when I complain that I don't get time to do my stuff he throws in my face the 30 minutes- ok well it was more like 45- that I get to spend with my choice of activity- mind you this was while I was watching the kids and no body got baths or dinner on time b/c I worked on my sewing instead! 45 min in a whole week- how is that fair? Apparently I am being unfair to him but I FEEL that in reagrds to stuff around the house I do the Lion's share and he doean't do much! I can't stand the clutter that we live in and yet I can't seem to make a dent in it. Most of all right now I think I just plain old hate myself and honestly I don't know why. I feel like a crazy moody bitchy person and I don't know who that person is...i hate the feeling of being a bitcha nd knowing I am being a bitch but mot being able to help myself. I hate feeling alone, like no one understands my feeling and like DH doesn't even care to understand. I hate having freaking insomnia. I swera part of my problem is that I am so god damn tired Ican't even see staright but 1/2 the time I can freaking go to sleep either b/c my mind is buzzing with all this uselss crap- like right now. I hate my god damn freaking car and the fact that even with stupid studded snow tires I still can't make it up the god damn driveway when it snows and I hate that not being able to make it up the driveway turns me into a raving lunatic and I hate the fact that I can't afford a god damn new car! and I hate the fact that writing this didn't really make me feel any better...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I feel like I have been sucked into a pit the last few weeks and while there is light at the end of the tunnel I'm still drowning. I know it is just exhaustion and sleep-deprivation from dealing with 2 sick kids and a sick husband but all my energy is gone... and I just keep hoping that one day I will wake up and feel like I can actually tackle the day ahead. I feel so guilty just laying on the couch while the boys get going on their day but I can't seem to pull myself up. It isn't really a bad thing that we spend every day in our pjs but somedays I wish I actually had the energy to get us all dressed. I know we all go through these boughts of depression and its normal and now that the boys are feeling better hopefully I will get more sleep and then feel more energetic but somehow it is so exhausting to feel so tired all the time.